The Bane Of His Existence
by Estora
Summary: A collection of 100-word drabbles about Obi-Wan Kenobi and his permanent headache. Ahem. I mean, his Padawan, Anakin Skywalker.
1. The One Time He Listens

_Disclaimer:__ This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by George Lucas. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended._

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Originally just a single drabble, I have decided to evolve _The Bane Of His Existence_ into a collection of 100-word drabbles about Obi-Wan Kenobi and his permanent headache – ahem, I mean his Padawan, Anakin Skywalker. Please enjoy!

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**The One Time He Listens**

"Can you see any crocs?" Anakin calls out, balancing precariously on the crumbling edge of the river. "This river's supposed to be teeming with them."

Moody and irritable from the bloody battle earlier and just plain annoyed at how carelessly Anakin dangles his life over croc-infested waters, according to the limited information they have on this Force-forsaken planet, Obi-Wan crosses his arms and scowls. "Why don't you throw yourself in and find out?" he grumbles.

"Okay," Anakin says simply, and throws himself in. The splash a moment later makes Obi-Wan start in horror.

"No, Anakin, _I was only joking –!_"

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	2. A Slight Underestimation

_Disclaimer:__ This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by George Lucas. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended._

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**A Slight Underestimation**

"Obi-Wan?"

"Hush, Anakin, I'm thinking."

"I thought I recognised that pained expression."

"I've noticed you have become progressively _ruder_ over the years."

"No, you've just become easier to make fun of."

"Anakin, now is _not _the time."

"Come on, Master. It's not too bad."

"Three hundred battle droids against two Jedi is 'not too bad'. Five hundred is pushing it."

"Master Windu took out over a thousand without his lightsaber once."

"Anakin, think about what you just said for a moment. That was Master Windu, and that was only a thousand. _You led us directly to ten thousand._"

"Oh. Oops."

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	3. Part Of The Plan

_Disclaimer:__ This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by George Lucas. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended._

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**Part Of The Plan**

Obi-Wan knew he shouldn't have eaten that sandwich earlier.

"I can't believe you threw up on my boots."

"I can't believe you have the gall to blame it on me, Anakin. The fault rests solely on your shoulders."

Anakin scowled heavily. "Just because you have a weak stomach –"

"Just because you 'piloted' that crate by pressing random buttons, rather!"

"Ah, I nearly forgot. Flying is for droids, right? But I landed us okay."

"Pressing _random buttons_ does not a landing make."

"It was all part of the plan."

"_That_ was part of the plan?"

"…It was a flexible plan."

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	4. Chancellorcide

_Disclaimer:__ This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by George Lucas. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended._

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**Chancellorcide**

Really, Obi-Wan thought, he was getting too old for all of this.

Waking up to find himself staring at Anakin's butt while dangling above a two hundred metre shaft, was, although certainly not the strangest position he had been in, not very welcome.

"Anakin, I'm _slipping_ –!"

Witnessing the Supreme Chancellor of the Republic lose his grip on Anakin's ankle to plunge into the black abyss with a blood-curdling scream was _definitely_ not welcome.

Above him, Anakin swore. "Well, that's embarrassing."

Obi-Wan coughed. "Did we just kill the Chancellor?"

Anakin sniffed. "If anyone asks, we tell them Dooku did it."

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	5. This Weapon Is Your Life

_Disclaimer:__ This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by George Lucas. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended._

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**This Weapon Is Your Life**

"Where's your lightsaber?"

Anakin mumbles something and looks down, and Obi-Wan feels another migraine coming on.

"Anakin…"

"Can we talk about this later?"

"Without your lightsaber, there may not _be_ a 'later'. Where is it?"

Anakin mumbles again. Obi-Wan stifles a long-suffering sigh.

"It would be nice if you could repeat that in Basic. I just don't see _how_ you could have lost it. You had it last night and we haven't done anything between then and now."

It takes a few more tries, but eventually the truth comes out.

_"You flushed it down the toilet?!"_

"It was an _accident!_"

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	6. Nursemaid

_Disclaimer:__ This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by George Lucas. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended._

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**Nursemaid**

"I'm _dying_."

Obi-Wan felt bad that he couldn't bring himself to _actually_ feel bad about this.

Anakin grasped his Master's hand tightly, eyes wide with agony and fear. "Master, please don't leave my side. You won't let me die alone, will you? Please, Master, I don't want to die! _I don't want to die!_"

Obi-Wan patted the hand away and picked up a bowl of hot broth, forcing Anakin to drink it.

"Now, really, Anakin, it's just a bit of indigestion. If you hadn't scoffed the chilli dish down like that, you wouldn't be in this situation, now would you?"

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	7. A Bad Time For Confessions

_Disclaimer:__ This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by George Lucas. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended._

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**A Bad Time For Confessions**

"Master, I have to tell you something."

Usually Obi-Wan would be delighted that Anakin was finally opening up to him, but over fifty clones had died that day and he desperately needed to pee. His famous patience failed him.

"Anakin, unless you're about to tell me that you committed a hideous act of evil like genocide then secretly married Senator Amidala and knocked her up and are only confessing now because of the immense guilt, please move and let me pee."

Stunned silence. Obi-Wan pushed passed him.

When he came back out, Anakin was still there, looking anguished.

Obi-Wan swore.

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	8. Lethal Weapons

_Disclaimer:__ This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by George Lucas. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended._

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Implications of slash, but it is non-explicit and intended only for humour purposes. Rated T.

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**Lethal Weapons**

Obi-Wan Kenobi's love life is nonexistent, as any good Jedi's love life should be, but this assumed knowledge doesn't stop Anakin from having an unhealthy obsession with it.

"Master, are you a virgin?"

Obi-Wan makes a discovery: water, when swallowed incorrectly, has the potential to be lethal.

"Master, are you gay?"

Steamed rice is better on plates than laps.

"That is _none of your business_," Obi-Wan snarls before stomping away.

When Anakin crudely insinuates one night that Obi-Wan is having a sordid affair with Bail Organa, he also makes the revolutionary revelation that lungs and tea are bitter, bitter enemies.

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	9. Being Responsible

_Disclaimer:__ This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by George Lucas. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended._

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**Being Responsible**

Anakin stared grimly down at a console readout. "All the escape pods are gone. Not one left on the whole ship." He looked up. "We're trapped."

Those were _not_ the words Obi-Wan wanted to hear. "Can you land us?"

Anakin chewed his lip. "Master, do you _really_ want to go back and tell everyone we dropped the Chancellor down an elevator shaft?"

"_We?_ That was _your_ fault, and I've taught you not to shirk from taking responsibility."

Beat.

"I am _not_ taking us back. I'd rather die."

Another strand of Obi-Wan's hair screamed and flailed horribly as it turned grey.

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I had entirely too much fun with _Chancellorcide_, so this is sequel of sorts. Please review!


	10. The Other Time He Listens

_Disclaimer:__ This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by George Lucas. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended._

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**The Other Time He Listens**

"Master, do you think I have a good singing voice?"

The boy's eyes are so wide and naïvely hopeful that Obi-Wan just doesn't have the heart to tell his Padawan learner the truth, so he forces a smile. "Yes, Anakin. You have a lovely singing voice."

A week later, Padmé Amidala files a restraining order against a tone-deaf stalker who sings outside her bedroom window every night.

Thankfully, Obi-Wan manages to find and drag his deluded Padawan away before the Coruscanti police arrive with the arrest warrant.

"_OOOOHHHH, COME WHAT MAAAAY! IIIIIII WILL LOOOVE YOOOUUU, UNTIL THE ENNND OFFFF TIIIIIIME…_"

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	11. A Worse Time For Confessions

_Disclaimer:__ This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by George Lucas. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended._

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**A Worse Time For Confessions**

"Master, I have to tell you something!"

The middle of battle was not a good time to get a Bad Feeling. Obi-Wan nearly turned his lightsaber on Anakin but instead deflected a barrage of shots. "Anakin, unless you're about to tell me that you killed a village, married Senator Amidala then knocked her up, _shut up because now is really a bad time for confessions_."

A bomb exploded nearby, killing Force knew how many clones. Obi-Wan swore.

"That was…oddly specific, but funny you should bring it up because –"

This time Obi-Wan _did_ turn on Anakin with his lightsaber.

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	12. Lasting Consequences

_Disclaimer:__ This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by George Lucas. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended._

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**Lasting Consequences**

Mace Windu was Unimpressed.

"You – _what._"

Anakin flushed red and shoved his hands into his pockets.

"Skywalker, are you trying to tell me that the Chancellor is dead, _not_ because of Count Dooku but because you _dropped him down an elevator shaft?_"

In the end, the Council decided the official story would be that Dooku killed Palpatine before Obi-Wan and Anakin could rescue him, to save the integrity of the Jedi Order.

"I'll _never_ be made a Master at this rate," Anakin moaned afterwards.

Obi-Wan tried to act sympathetically, but evidently failed because Anakin kicked his shin and stalked off.

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A sequel of sorts to _Being Responsible_. Please review!


	13. Nursemaid II

_Disclaimer:__ This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by George Lucas. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended._

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**Nursemaid II**

Someone was shaking him, rather rudely, out of unconsciousness. Obi-Wan tried to push the annoying _someone_ away, but his arm felt like lead and wouldn't move.

"Master?"

Suddenly he wished he'd stayed unconscious.

"Master? _Master!_"

"G'way, An'kin…" he slurred, but Anakin hugged him tightly to his chest.

"Stay with me, Master! _Don't follow the light at the end of the tunnel, I'm gonna get help for you!_"

The incessant shrieking was getting louder, and Obi-Wan was sure his ears had started to bleed. "I'm not _dying_, Anakin," he managed to force out. "I'm just –"

"DON'T LEAVE ME, MASTER!"

"…meditating."

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	14. Attack Of The Clichés

_Disclaimer:__ This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by George Lucas. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended._

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Uh, *cough* a parody of slash fics. Absolutely nothing explicit, of course. Rated T.

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**Attack Of The Clichés**

"So…I guess we're having that conversation?"

"Which conversation?"

"The one where I ask about us and you say there is no 'us', and I start yelling and crying and you yell back and we both insult each other then we spend weeks ignoring each other, then pent-up sexual frustration becomes too much and we have Hate!Sex then we ignore each other some more, then you get injured and as you're dying you tell me you've loved me all along and you should have told me earlier. That conversation."

"…Um."

"I've had a lot of time to think about this."

"…Clearly."

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	15. Guidelines

_Disclaimer:__ This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by George Lucas. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended._

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**Guidelines**

Naturally, the Republic was in shambles, but no-one doubted the official story for a moment. Anakin became even more of a hero for killing Dooku, much to his own despair and guilt and to Obi-Wan's – well, it was either disapproval or inappropriate amusement.

Meanwhile, a provisional government including of both Bail Organa and Padmé Amidala was quickly elected to look after the Republic.

This pleased Obi-Wan. He'd never much liked Palpatine.

"Now, if they're ever kidnapped by Grievous, _please_ keep them away from elevators."

Clearly this was the wrong thing to advise, as Anakin's foot collided with his shin again.

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A sequel of sorts to _Lasting Consquences_. Please review!


	16. Food Poisoning

_Disclaimer:__ This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by George Lucas. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended._

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Some of my _From The Ashes_ readers will recognise the inspiration for this drabble.

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**Food Poisoning**

"Look, Master! I made dinner!"

This gives Obi-Wan a Bad Feeling, but he doesn't have the heart to turn down his proud fourteen year old Padawan's…uh, concoction, so he smiles, sits, and eats the chilli dish politely.

Afterwards, he doesn't feel too good, and he excuses himself to lock himself in the 'fresher where he discovers that Anakin didn't follow the recipe.

"Good Masters don't kill their Padawans, good Masters don't kill their Padawans," he chants in agony, and five hours later he finally emerges from the 'fresher.

This is the last time Obi-Wan ever eats anything Anakin makes.

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	17. Minor Structural Damage

_Disclaimer:__ This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by George Lucas. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended._

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Another _From The Ashes_ inspired scene.

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**Minor Structural Damage**

Anakin was twelve when he decided to make tea for Obi-Wan for the first time. He'd seen Obi-Wan do it plenty of times before – boil the water, put a teabag in a cup, and pour the boiled water in. It wasn't rocket science.

Obi-Wan trusted him with this small and relatively simple task, so he was justifiably horrified when their and four surrounding apartments managed to catch fire and burn down.

"Anakin, I don't – just – it's – _how?_" Obi-Wan spluttered, mystified. Anakin shrugged.

"Making tea is hard, Master," he replied, and Obi-Wan face-palmed.

Needless to say, Mace Windu was Not Amused.

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	18. Selective Hearing

_Disclaimer:__ This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by George Lucas. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended._

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**Selective Hearing**

Padmé was doing a spectacular job of provisional Chancellorship, but her clothing rivalled the hideousness of Palpatine's office interior design, no doubt to distract everyone from her recent weight gain.

Obi-Wan coughed. "Is it just me or do you think Senator Amidala is looking a bit…heavier than usual?"

"_My baby does not make her look fat!_" Anakin hissed.

"I didn't say – _your_ baby?"

Anakin gaped, mortified with his slip. Obi-Wan stared.

"Anakin. Do I have to pretend I didn't just hear that?"

"Palpatine would have understood," Anakin muttered dejectedly.

"Shame you lost him down an elevator shaft, then."

"_Shut. Up_."

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A sequel of sorts to _Guidelines_. Please review!


	19. Not Quite What He Expected

_Disclaimer:__ This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by George Lucas. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended._

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**Not Quite What He Expected**

The Afterlife, according to Anakin when he arrived, was boring.

Obi-Wan sighed with the serenity he'd built up over his years in exile and death. "Anakin," he soothed, "this is the Force. You are not supposed to be craving entertainment."

Anakin, who was acting very much Darth Vader at that moment, scowled. "Then what am I _supposed_ to be doing, _Obi-Wan?_"

Death, it seemed, didn't dampen the impetuous, disrespectful personality. "Meditating. Finding your inner peace. That sort of stuff," Obi-Wan explained.

Anakin sniffled. "The Dark Side was more fun."

Obi-Wan quickly discovered it was possible to get migraines in death.

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	20. The Last Time He Listens

_Disclaimer:__ This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by George Lucas. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended._

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**The Last Time He Listens**

"It's over, Anakin! I have the high ground!"

"You underestimate my power."

"Don't try it!"

At this, Anakin pauses to evaluate the situation. For the barest moment Obi-Wan allows himself to _hope –_

But Anakin leaps anyway, and Obi-Wan whirls his lightsaber to meet the Sith's knee, then the other knee –

Except it doesn't happen like that. Anakin leaps higher than expected, avoiding amputation, and plunges his lightsaber deep into Obi-Wan's exposed back.

Pain overwhelms his senses. Lurching forwards into the superheated black sand, Obi-Wan doesn't hear himself scream.

Above him, Anakin laughs. "And you say I never listened to you."

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Um, yeah. *Coughs* So, this is the end of _The Bane Of His Existence_. To be honest, I'm not quite sure what happened to this one. It was _supposed _to be humorous, intended to wrap everything up in compliment with the first drabble (_The One Time He Listens_), but as you can see I ended on an unintentional bleak note. Am I allowed to ask for reviews, or would that be chutzpah? At any rate, it's been a wonderful time writing these and I'd like to thank each and every single one of my reviewers. You've been absolutely fantastic and I couldn't have done it without your support. Thank you!


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